Think before you hire me to watch your children

One of the signs that children are more trouble than their worth is the willingness with which parents will leave them with teenage sitters. I started babysitting at 12, not from any desire to be around children, but because I wanted money to buy candy and comic books. Even by the standards of the eighties my allowance was miserable small, barely enough to keep me in soda and sweet tarts for the week. You can tell where I’m from by the use of “soda” instead of “coke” or “pop.” You gotta watch the details.

I was not mature for my age and probably had no business watching children. I remember hopping around pretending I was a rabbit in the long, unmowed grass of the field behind my house while my eight-year-old sister looked on in wonder, unsure how to take my bizarre and immature behavior. I never wanted to shave my legs or under my arms and I felt old and worn out on the day I started my period. I never coddled dolls or took joy  in changing fake diapers. Children were not interesting to me, but easy money was.

I mercilessly raided kitchens and paid more attention to the family pets than to the kids. If the family had cable and soda in the fridge I was in heaven. I read Stephen King to five-year-olds and let then watch anything they wanted for as long as they wanted. Once two kids locked themselves in their playroom and I had to have my father take the lock apart. We did not have it back together by the time their less than understanding parents got home, but they still called me the next time they needed a sitter.

When I was fourteen I watched a ten-year-old all day for three weeks. He liked to bring out his parent’s porn and pop it in the VCR when my back was turned. I was terrified of being blamed for this aberration and would beg him to take the tapes back to their hiding place. I would have quit, but this house had both a Nintendo and a puppy: everything my own home was missing. When I turned fifteen and acquired a boyfriend, babysitting jobs became the perfect place to make out. Just like Halloween or Prom Night, as soon as my innocent charge went off to bed my boyfriend and I would make out on the couch until our lips hurt.

So to sum up, the best part about children are the opportunities they present for money, free entertainment (in the form of cable and video games), sex, and food.